23 November 2009

Open memo to the dripdicks who stole my mailbox:


Are you so lacking in bathroom reading material that my medical bills and the Lafa Shopper were just irresistible?

My credit card statements will do you no good, as they are all maxed out...that is, unless you desperately needed them to use as ironic Christmas wrapping....P.S. - that was MY idea!

Maybe it was the mailbox itself...hmmmm....

It IS, after all, the perfect size and shape for collecting mail....However, you left the mangled post, sadly festooned with wilted strips of duct tape from the last time, when you preferred to simply maul the mailbox instead of actually removing it. Would you like the post as well? Because it is doing me absolutely no good at this time...The sanitation workers simply eyed it warily as it lay there among the trash cans; it was obviously too pathetic to remain, but still did not actually fit their definition of trash...and so, it remains on the curb - a sad, twisted little invalid of white aluminum in need of euthanasia.

Of course, a mailbox may be used for a number of purposes, which I'm certain you're exploring. I'm sure you can store your skunk weed, cheap porn mags, and Miley Cyrus cds in it. You could probably fit at least a dozen cans of Axe body spray, all your Hot Topic shoelaces, and your old, crumpled up class notes in there.

Before you start experimenting with the creative potential of MY mailbox, let me give you some advice based upon practical experience: The mailbox in question will NEVER be as useful to you as it was to me. It will, in fact, probably act out in response to it's capture and be incredibly snobbish to your mail, which does not belong there.

Perhaps you have noticed that we have replaced said mailbox....Please allow this one to remain as, clearly, you already have one and surely have no need for another.

Thank you so very much.


  1. Great post! Reminds me of Bruce's open letter to the guy who stole his bike wheel:

  2. welcome to blogland! i heart the title and i think you should plaster GIGANTIC pics of yourself all over it. you are a TRUE original in a land of fakes xoxo

  3. Does this happen to everyone on your street? Can't the city do something about this??

  4. Perhaps your mailbox broke up with your pole. It was a knock down, drag-out diva battle. Hair was pulled, sensible shoes were thrown and in the end, the pole was the victor. Jessica, your mailbox is on a bus to Hollywood now, hoping for its big break in an exterior home shot on "Desperate Housewives".